THE SCENARIO

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My boyfriend of two years and I moved in together after four months of dating. All things considered, it has gone well. We moved in together to ease the financial burden. It wasn’t exactly a choice, but it suited us well at the time and it’s been wonderful. Recently, after more financial troubles, I had to move back in with my parents, and he joined me. I absolutely love living with him. He is the perfect housemate and partner, always clean, cooks me the most delicious meals, I really can’t complain about anything. I can’t wait to go home to him after a long day and cuddle in bed.  

 

But that’s the thing. I just want to go home with him after a night out. I'm in my mid twenties and I can’t help but feel like I’ve found the one and settled all too soon. It’s not that I don’t love him, or love living with him, but I’m craving more independence, having my own life. I'd love my own space, alone time at night, and to be surrounded by the gossip and chaos of friends.

 

I’ve now got a new job, and the prospect of leaving my parents home is upon me again. My boyfriend has suggested moving out with him but in my gut I want to be with my friends and not him. I don’t want to abandon him, or make him think I don’t love him, I do, but I’m craving a bit of space. 

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MY ANSWER: 

 

Hello reader and welcome to the Blanket Fort, I hope you are comfy! 

 

First of all, this makes perfect sense. Spending time on housing websites is daunting. It’s understandable that you would think of other solutions and sharing a room can be an amazing money-saving tip. And you got lucky, your partner is a good flatmate!

 

Yet, you seem to crave something different: a living arrangement that allows you to have more time for yourself and for your community. In a world that prioritises romantic love and couplehood, voicing this need, even if just anonymously for now, is brave.

 

The ‘relationship escalator’ could be a good tool to look at the situation. It is a term coined by Amy Graham to describe the behaviours that make a relationship more serious, escalating it: leaving a toothbrush at their house, becoming sexually exclusive, meeting friends and family and, obviously, moving in together. Going up the escalator feels exciting, going down might look like someone is getting cold feet. But that’s not necessarily true. 

 

I think you are due a difficult conversation, but you have something on your side: it doesn’t sound like you want less of your romantic relationship, but like you want more from your relationships with others and with yourself. Think of it as: how do you want to commit to yourself? And how do you want to commit to your wider community? 

 

If the answer is unmistakably, “by living without my boyfriend”, then you have another question to answer: how can you commit to him without living together? It might be an exciting and imaginative experience! You could try to live walking-distance from each other, pick up a new hobby together or even co-parent a pet, if that’s your thing. 

 

Going down the relationship escalator is scary, it means leaving the marked path, but it also means you get to be in a relationship of your own design.