I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND, HOW CAN I PREVENT US GROWING APART?
THE BLANKET FORT
BY SARA DELL’ACQUA
Disclaimer: Sara Dell’ Acqua is not a therapist or a medical professional. Her column is a personal reflection. Please seek professional help if necessary.
THE SCENARIO
Hey Sara,Recently, I have had some trouble with my best friend. I think it has been a few months but I have only now opened up to her and tried having the conversation. I think we have many more conversations ahead of us to sort things out. But I am scared. I have felt rejected multiple times by people who I felt they were my best friend and I don't want that pattern to restart.
We have similar stuff to blame each other for: not having been there for each other in moments of crisis this year, finding more comfort in our current boyfriends than in each other in those moments, being separated by distance.This has created a situation of resentment, due to the frustration of not being in each other's daily life and thus being pretty absent on a regular basis.
I don't know how to get our friendship back to what it was before, now that time-space and relationship dispositions have changed, but I don't want things to change. I also feel like she doesn't seem to be as concerned as I am, as if she wasn't as attached to what we had as I am. How can I deal with this situation? Should I let go?
MY ANSWER
“We grow up with the idea that this fervent romantic passion represents the pinnacle of human relationships, a quest in which it's best not to fail. Therefore, why waste so much time and energy nurturing other forms of love?”. This is an excerpt from Nos puissantes amitiés, by journalist and author Alice Raybaud. It’s a wonderful book on how to make friendship more central in our lives, where Raybaud talks to people living, parenting and making retirement plans with their friends.
Your question immediately made me want to go back to this book. I think part of what you are experiencing is the commonplace incentive to let our friendships go as we step into adulthood. Romantic relationships are often seen as more serious and they come with more expectations, in terms of everyday presence and support.
You are trying to reject this mechanism and honour the importance of this bond with your friend. It seems as though your romantic relationship feels quite steady, ask yourself why: what work are you putting in? Maybe you and your boyfriend have daily check-ins, maybe you have a regular date night, maybe you simply sleep at each other’s houses often and this makes travelling to see each other more manageable. You might benefit from implementing similar practices into your friendship, or you and your friend might find different ones that fit you better.
Looking more closely at your experience, I feel for you. Losing a friend can be incredibly hurtful. I wish I could give you a hug, reader. I think you want to give this relationship another chance and I suggest you give it your best shot, but don’t do it alone.
Talk with your friend about how to take care of your bond. If you find a teammate in her, someone you can trust to do this work with you, I think your relationship will be reinvigorated.
However, if you keep feeling you are the only one who’s putting the work in, I suggest you walk away. Maybe she won’t be your best friend, but just a friend. A lighter bond might let you enjoy this connection, but you might also decide that you are not willing to do that.
There can sometimes be a pressure to not make a big deal out of losing a friend. I think it’s ridiculous.
If losing this friendship feels so scary, I can only imagine how much they mean to you. Letting go of a bond that used to feel essential, as often close friendships do, can feel so painful.
If you do have to end this friendship, make sure to buy some ice cream and watch sad movies. It’s a big deal.
Lots of love,
Sara